My son Alex and I were in Walgreens after school when the manager asked how we were doing. I responded with some sort of generic answer about getting back into the school routine while Alex perused the toys and games. Alex and I frequent the store a lot, so we are familiar with many of the people who work there. And they are familiar with us. So, I probably shouldn’t have been surprised when the manager looked me in the eyes and asked, “everything else is okay then?” In that moment, I knew she knew – I was not completely okay. I don’t have a good poker face, but I didn’t expect someone with whom I have a casual relationship to realize that I was off kilter. I decided not to burden her with all I had going on, so instead I told her I was tired. We discussed how she was tired as well in an unstated agreement that we would not dive deeper into the cause of my concerns but that we’d had a moment of connection, nonetheless. 

To be seen and understood. Isn’t that what we all want? Even when we choose not to respond with the details of our problems, we can feel comfort because we know someone else has noticed that we are not ourselves. Just the fact that someone else asks is enough in many circumstances. We still feel the warmth of another’s concern and care because they took a moment to ask or text or call. Of course, at other times, when someone shows us that they care and want to stand with us in our trouble, we can accept that opportunity and share our problems. It’s okay to confide or vent to someone whom we trust when they’ve shown they are willing to listen. Getting things off our chest and out of our minds can make us feel so much better. We can experience such relief when we unburden ourselves. 

At other times, we may be the observant one. When we sense that all is not well with someone, we should feel emboldened to ask how they are doing. Sometimes, we hesitate. We fear making the other person upset but acknowledging that they are unsettled may provide the love they need in that moment whether they provide a detailed answer or not. And when we listen to another share their story, we need to ask if they want us to just listen or offer suggestions. I often jump straight to giving advice, but recently, my daughter said she simply needed me to let her talk without telling her what to do. Easier said than done for this mom, but I’m learning. Giving someone the time and attention to express their feelings is often the best thing we can do. Sometimes, it’s the only thing we can do.

Presence is the gift we can give others. That presence can come in the form of paying attention to those in our lives. We can ask about their situation when we see they’re not themselves or we can follow up on an issue with which we knew they were previously struggling. Holding space if they want to talk or respecting their silence may provide the reassurance we all need.