For Thanksgiving, my eleven-year-old son Alex wrote me a thank you note. His note was entitled, “Thank you for being a friend.” Then he wrote, “Dear mom, thank you for being with me in the ups and downs. You are always there even if you’re in a bad mood. Thank you for listening to my weird but accurate rants. You’re one of the best supports of my karate and everything in between. Love, Alex.”  

Obviously, I was moved by his sweet words, but I was also impressed with how fitting his note was. He said, “thank you for being a friend” because he knows how much I love “The Golden Girls” and their iconic theme song. We watch the show together most nights before he goes to sleep. I’ve indoctrinated him into the world of Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia. On the bottom of his letter, he drew a small plastic bag that represents one of my favorite episodes when Blanche is delirious from writing her “novel” and mistakes the egg yolks in a plastic bag for “little balls of sunshine.” Alex knows this makes me laugh every time, so he highlighted the connection we’ve made over this funny scene.  

I also adored how real his note was. He didn’t sugarcoat things, especially with the line, “you are always there even if you’re in a bad mood.” Because I’m not always in a good mood, no one is, but my kid realizes that presence is important no matter what. Showing up, day after day, in the routine of life is not always easy, but it makes a huge difference to those we love and those who depend on us. Even when we don’t feel like enthusiastic participants, even when we feel like we’re going through the motions, being there says something to our families, friends, and communities.  

And Alex realizes the beauty in showing up as himself as well when he says thanks “for listening to my weird but accurate rants.” Alex talks nonstop. Non. Stop. And he loves to talk about video games. Sometimes, I have a hard time following along (actually that’s most of the time), and he knows that video games are not my thing. But he appreciates that I listen, and I appreciate that he continues to tell me about them even though I’m not the connoisseur that he is.    

To top it all off, he drew and colored a sunflower, which he knows is one of my favorite flowers. And he gave me two stickers, one that was a stack of books with a Gilmore Girls theme because he knows I love books and that Gilmore Girls is another of my favorite shows. The second one is a bottle with a cork filled with flowers, colored yellow, and says “sunshine for a cloudy day.” I don’t think he realized just how well he tied all his threads together with the little balls of sunshine, a sunflower, and sunshine in a bottle. He is my little sunshine when I need someone to cheer my days. 

Maybe we can follow Alex’s lead and not only be present for others when they need us, but also express those sentiments so they know we care. We can shine the light for others and bask in the light they bring us. 

I stood at the Starbucks counter inside Target before I commenced my shopping. I’d noticed an employee exit the area, leaving only one woman behind the counter. She looked straight at me and said, “Be patient with me.” It wasn’t so much a request as a demand. I think I may have held up my hands like I was under arrest. “Of course,” I said as pleasantly as I could. She was obviously new and in training. I could see a list of notes beside the register to help her remember things. She was about my age, and I could see the fear in her eyes. I felt for her. I know I would be anxiety ridden too if I had to learn the myriad number of drink combinations for which Starbucks’ customers are famous. But I admired the way she’d expressed her need for patience. She didn’t equivocate. She essentially claimed patience for herself. 

And couldn’t we all use more patience at this time of year as we head into the holidays? More patience from others and with others. Instead of relishing time and relaxing during Thanksgiving and Christmas, we tend to ramp up the stress and busyness. We have events that crowd our schedules: our children have holiday programs and concerts; we may be invited to holiday parties or events; we may host an event of our own; we may travel or need to prepare for family to visit. 

In our house, we have two high school basketball players, Jed and Clay, who have tournaments over both holiday breaks. And because one is a senior and one is a freshman, they are going to be at separate tournaments in different places. For someone like me who wants to know the schedule and anticipate all the logistics, tournament brackets present issues in the first place because winning or losing determines the next game time. The last Friday of school before Thanksgiving break, Jed has a game at 7:45 in one location, Clay has a game at 8:00 in another, and we also must retrieve Riley from the airport at midnight. Divide and conquer will be the name of the game on Friday, Monday, and Tuesday leading up to Thanksgiving. The upside is we don’t have to decide where to spend the holidays because basketball means we must stay at home.   

I haven’t shopped for the Thanksgiving meal. Not one child has given me a Christmas list. We haven’t decorated for Christmas yet, and while I love the finished product, the process of getting everything out and putting the empty boxes back up can be exhausting. I need to make a couple of doctor appointments to get the most out of insurance benefits but who knows if that will happen. All while trying to make sure nothing falls through the cracks, like ensuring Alex has nice clothes for his first orchestra performance.   

If we let it, the to do list becomes so long during the holiday season, it can strangle us. So, this is my reminder to all of us. Be Patient! Be patient with the people we only encounter briefly who are trying to do their jobs like the lady at Starbucks. Be patient with other drivers because I’m convinced the holiday stress pours over onto the roads (I need this reminder a lot). Be patient with our family members even when they are getting on our last nerves. Be patient with ourselves because none of it will be perfect compared to unreasonable expectations that we may put on ourselves and others. Let’s attempt to enjoy this time of year, which can be beautiful if we can be patient and simply be.  

Alex and I were at Walgreens to get his covid and flu shots. Because Alex is 11, he had to get the pediatric covid shot but the Walgreens we usually use didn’t offer the shots for children. So, we ended up at the pharmacy across town where we aren’t acquainted with the staff. The woman helping us seemed frustrated. She had to get the pharmacist’s help to find the pediatric doses. She was stone faced and seemed unhappy. I tried to be pleasant and patient. I looked at her while she worked and realized that I had a similar, if not the exact same, type of sweater. I decided to take a chance to talk to her even though I wasn’t sure it would help. I said, “I think I have the same sweater. It’s very cozy.” Her face changed instantly. She smiled and her eyes lit up. I was so surprised at the level of her reaction and change in her demeanor. I couldn’t help but smile back at her. I was glad I’d told her. We both benefitted. 

Finding a small moment of connection can make quite a difference. I wear press-on nails, which range from conservative French manicures to wild designs including jewels and holiday designs. So, I notice other people’s nails as well. When I think their nails look cool, I tell them, “I like your nails,” and they will always smile and say thank you. They usually respond with “I like your nails too.” And I can tell you that when someone notices my nails first, it makes me happy. At our Halloween trunk-or-treat at church, I told a little girl that I liked her nails knowing that her mother is a nail aficionado. She held her hand out so I could see them better, and said, “my mom did them.” She was proud I’d noticed something she obviously loved and an experience she’d shared with her mom. 

I’ve watched my sons connect with strangers over their brand and style of basketball shoes. There is instant admiration that blooms between them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone ask the boys, “Are those Luka’s?” That’s the brand of shoe named after our hometown Dallas Maverick.  I think each of us has something that’s a representation of our personality. Be it our hair or clothes or shoes or jewelry or makeup. Maybe it’s a sports team we wear on our sleeves or a love for coffee or we carry a certain type of water bottle. We can use those little things to connect to others even if for a brief time.  

Maybe it’s not always possible to find something that connects us with another person in a quick interaction, but it’s worth the effort. And if we can’t find a personal tie to the other person, it’s fine to revert to the weather or some other generic topic as long as we try to connect in a way that goes deeper than a strictly transactional interaction. We can create moments of connection and strengthen our humanity when we look for the little things we may have in common.    

In September, two of our dear friends from church, Chuck and Jeanie, made a road trip to Montana with a stop in Boulder, Colorado. Our daughter Riley goes to college in Boulder, and they visited her and generously took her out to dinner. To have friends lay eyes on her and hug her neck made my mama heart happy. They’ve known Riley since she was almost 3 years old, and she will be 20 in January. During all that time, they’ve poured love and attention and concern into her. They didn’t have to spend the last seventeen years caring for her and our boys, but they chose to take the time and invest in these children. And our family is the richer for their involvement in our lives. 

I witnessed a similar scene on Halloween night. Our friends invited us to their block party a couple of streets over. I noticed a young man skateboard up to the festivities, and immediately, the men of the group started talking to him about his high school football team and how they’d watched him play recently. They asked about the upcoming game and the playoff situation. Almost two hours later, I looked over and the guys were still talking to the young man who was still engaged and appeared to be having fun. The men were his father’s and grandfather’s ages and even though none of them were related to him, there they were pouring time into him. And I expect the men benefited from talking with him as well. 

I love watching intergenerational friendships grow and flourish. Especially when the people are not members of the same family, there is freedom for the adult to advise without the pressure and responsibility of raising the child. And the young person can listen without feeling they’re being told what to do by their guardians. The adults bring wisdom from their years of living. The young people bring an energy and excitement to these interactions that serve to uplift and enliven the adults. The relationships may never officially be labeled as mentor and mentee, but they provide the same type of teaching and learning in a less formal setting. They’re mutually beneficial and worthy of our time and attention. 

Sometimes, in middle age, we’re so busy taking care of our own children or aging parents that we don’t think we have time for these types of friendships. But I’ve gained so much from these types of relationships over the years. During the summer of 2020, I became the “pool mom” to the high school and college aged servers and lifeguards because it was the only place we could go for outdoor entertainment that season. Everyone was starved for human connection after we’d been cooped up in our homes for months with the Covid shutdown. So, I decided, unconsciously at first and then intentionally, that I would be another adult in their lives that cared since they’d been deprived of teachers during the shutdown. I hope that I made a positive impact on them, but I know those young people brought a lightheartedness to me and my family throughout that summer.       

Perhaps we can all look for intergenerational relationships and be open to the ways we can both contribute to and benefit from them. We can learn from those ahead of us on this life journey and offer bits of advice for those coming behind us. And most importantly, find friendships that fill everyone with love.