Tag Archives: family

Mar25

Under the Surface

Posted on by
Standard

When I’m at an airport, I often wonder where people are going to or from and why. Airports provide some good people watching, especially for a writer’s imagination. Sometimes it’s obvious like the energized children with Disney apparel headed to catch a flight with their families to Orlando. I once saw a young couple on a flight and the guy was fiddling with his wedding band constantly. It’s new, I thought. Sure enough, they’d gotten married the night before and were on the first leg of their honeymoon. The business travelers with only a briefcase or backpack these days are usually easy to spot. 

But I’ve also wondered about the sad reasons people fly. Someone is going home after visiting their significant other who just broke up with them. Someone is traveling to see their loved one for the last time or for their funeral. I finally fell into the sad category last week. In the middle of the night after conversations with my brother and mother, it became obvious that my dad was at the end of his earthly journey. So, at 3:00 am, my husband Ben booked a flight for me for later in the morning. 

I wondered how I was going to keep myself together in the airport. When one of my kids called to discuss the situation while I waited in the security line, I started crying and said I had to get off the phone so I could at least get through the necessary steps to reach the flight. I don’t think anyone noticed because we were all facing forward, and I wiped away the tears as quickly as possible. I made it without crying until I secured my rental car and was completely alone on the two-hour drive to the hospital. Two days later, I flew home having said goodbye to my father. I had to prepare for the family road trip back for the funeral over the weekend. 

I’m certain I will write more about my dad’s passing later when I’ve had more time to process. About the outpouring of love from family and friends. But right now, a week later, I just can’t help but come back to a lesson I’ve learned over and over and of which I still need to be reminded. Unless you are intimately involved in someone’s story, you have no idea what another person is going through, so be kind. Give them grace. Allow for the idea that someone may be dealing with problems under the surface that you know absolutely nothing about. 

I was on the verge of tears during my travels and had every reason to be in that state. I hid my fragility behind a very thin mask.  Thankfully, my travels went smoothly because if one thing had gone wrong, I might’ve crumbled. If one person had been unkind, I might’ve broken down. We must remember that we may be the difference between someone falling apart or keeping it together when they feel they must. We may never know when our generosity of spirit could make the way smoother for another. But perhaps we should assume that we are the ones who can ease another’s pain, whether we are aware of their struggle or not.    

Jan22

Twenty Years a Parent

Posted on by
Standard

Several of our friends have recently welcomed babies into their lives. A couple of them are brand new grandparents. Others are younger couples experiencing parenthood for the first time. Add to that my daughter Riley turning twenty years old this month, and I’ve found myself reflecting on parenthood quite a bit. If I’d been employed at a business for twenty years, I would get a plaque or paperweight in recognition. But as a parent, success is harder to determine. 

Twenty years is a long time to do one job. As in any role, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve changed a lot. And the position was very different than what I expected. If on day one of parenthood, someone had shown me who I’d be as a twenty-year parent, I would’ve been surprised and disbelieving for many reasons. Honestly, way back at the start, I thought my children would be a lot like me as a child: fairly docile, shy, and compliant. Anyone who knows my family knows that is not a description of any of my children. Instead, they’re fun, loud, and irreverent. They’re super smart and opinionated. They’re very different from one another and yet share many of the same familial traits. They’re kind and care about others. They are real, authentic, and genuinely themselves. For a minute on this journey, I tried to blame my husband Ben for one of the children’s stubborn behaviors. I thought I was paying for something he’d done in his childhood. Then, one day during that child’s rant about the unfairness of his world, I realized I was looking in a mirror. He’d inherited his need to rail against injustices from me. Ultimately, I wish I’d been more like them when I was younger. But I hope that my evolution as a person has benefited them. Becoming more flexible and open has allowed me to parent them in ways I couldn’t have foreseen twenty years ago. 

Not that it’s been easy to relinquish my controlling nature at times. Riley and I spent her entire junior year of high school at odds over who should be in charge of her life. I thought if she would just do what I told her to do, how I told her to do it, she could proceed with less heartache, less pain, more happiness. Ben continually reminded me that Riley was not me. That Riley was raised in a different time and place and that her experiences were not mine. I knew that intellectually. And yet, it was so hard for me to accept. My desire to protect her and keep her safe overwhelmed me and proved difficult to moderate. Both Riley and I learned so much that year about one another and how to be in relationship with each other as she matured and asserted her independence. I learned that I still had a role to play in her emotional and social development, but the way I went about it was important. My expectations about that stage of parenthood were idealistic and ultimately unrealistic, but we survived and have a deeper and more fulfilling relationship now. Adapting may not be easy for me, but when it comes to my kids, I’m determined to eventually find my way. 

It’s strange to think that when the newborns we know reach the age of twenty, Riley will be forty! And if I’ve learned anything, it’s that time really does feel like it goes by in the blink of an eye. I’m looking forward to the next twenty plus years and the privilege of watching my kids grow into the adults they will become. And I know that I’ll continue to change as well. I can’t wait.