Tag Archives: love

Mar4

For the Love of Female Friendships

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I was shopping in a boutique with my niece when one of the young women working at the store told another employee that her shift was over, and she was leaving. “Love you,” the other college-aged woman said wishing her co-worker goodbye. “Love you too,” she said as she grabbed her purse and headed out. I’m quite familiar with this behavior because my twenty-year-old daughter Riley and her friends have told one another that they love each other for years. Will they see each other in a few hours? Probably, but they say they love each other anyway. Are they blood-related in any way? No, but they say they love each other anyway. Because they do love each other. They are part of a girl friendship, and they share their love vocally and frequently.

When Riley and her friends started this behavior, I was surprised by this generational shift. We did not do this during my high school or college years. I didn’t tell my roommate that I loved her when I left for class, but I bet if I walked onto any college campus today, I would hear, “love you” from many a room. Not that I don’t have women friends that I love. I have close friends from each of my “eras” to borrow a Taylor Swift phrase.

Recently, I had the pleasure of meeting up with three of my friends from my college era in Arkansas. The four of us haven’t been together as a group in ages although I do see some of them more regularly. We keep up on Facebook, so we have some idea of what’s going on in each other’s lives. But the minute we sat down, it was as if no time had passed. Sure, our younger selves would never have anticipated our lengthy discussion about hormones and perimenopause, but we fell right back into a rhythm of sharing and supporting one another. We found ourselves advocating for each other and ready to go to battle if needed. And we laughed and laughed and laughed. I was transported back to a dorm room in 1994 when it would’ve been normal to see us talking and laughing. Thirty years. That’s a long time. Yet it didn’t feel like it had been that long when we sat over lunch for hours until the restaurant started accepting dinner guests. 

When we left, there were a few “love you’s.” But I wish I’d proclaimed it more boldly and loudly. Female friendship is a treasure that cannot be overvalued. I am blessed to have women I cherish from all phases of my life and all geographic locations: college, law school, church. Friends from each stage of motherhood and those connected to each of my children’s lives. And a writing group that has been together for sixteen years. 

If I could speak to my daughter’s and niece’s generation, I would tell them to hang on to those friends because they will be foundational to your lives. When things are going well, they will cheer with you, and when things fall apart, they will hold you up. And from the younger generation, we can learn that expressing our love to our friends is important and beautiful. When we’ve been in the trenches with our friends for a long time, we may assume they know how we feel. But verbalizing those feelings – even if it’s just every now and again and not as frequently as the younger women – can go a long way toward solidifying and maintaining our friendships. 

And to all my girlfriends, I love you!   

Feb12

Warning: Low Battery

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The battery in my car key fob is low. I discovered this issue because every time I turn off my car, it dings several times and then displays an image of a key fob and a battery that says, “low key battery.” I turn my car on and off several times a day. The dinging is super annoying and has been going on for several weeks (months). Yet, most of the time, I don’t even hear the dinging anymore. I’ve gotten used to it. The alarm is warning me that if I don’t do something, the battery will become useless, and the key fob and therefore the car won’t work.  

The metaphor is not lost on me. I feel like I’ve become pretty good at realizing when I need rest and alone time to recharge. I say pretty good, because sometimes I need a reminder. My husband Ben can look at me or hear the tone of my voice and hound me with “what’s wrong?” until I stop and either acknowledge what’s bothering me or figure out what’s causing my discontent. I need Ben to sound the alarm for me at times. 

Recently, I’ve had several friends dealing with heavy matters: job issues, illness, financial crises, family situations, grief, and loss. And then there are the friends who step in to take care of everyone else. Over and over again. They’re all in danger of burning out. They tend to ignore their needs and instead focus on others. They might not even realize what they’re doing because it’s always been their way of operating in the world. So lately, I’ve taken it upon myself to serve as their alarms. I’ve sent several texts saying, “take care of yourself” over the last few weeks. Reminding them that unless they take time to reenergize themselves, they will be unable to function. I’ve ended up physically sick after stressful seasons when I haven’t taken care of myself. I’ve become overly anxious or depressed when I haven’t treated myself kindly.  Of course, when mama goes “down,” it’s more difficult for everyone around us. We can’t mother those we love, whether they’re in our family or our larger community, if we are depleted mentally, physically, or emotionally. 

Knowing what will help sustain and restore us is not always obvious. One of the reasons I haven’t changed the battery in my key fob is because I don’t know what size button battery goes in the key. I also don’t remember what battery worked the last time I changed it. I need to sit down, open the fob, and find out what kind of battery it needs. Finding out what makes us feel better may be a mystery at times. Sometimes, I need to take a nap. At other times, I need to watch a television show that I’ve already seen a hundred times. Or I need to go to lunch with my friends so I can vent or lament. Or journal to get all my feelings out of my head and onto paper. But my ways of dealing with stress may be the last way another person would choose. I flipped through my journal once to show my eleven-year-old Alex what it meant to have a journal practice. He was horrified that anyone would ever engage in all of that “writing,” much less as an effort to relax and refocus. We must spend time figuring out what will help us when we find ourselves slipping into the abyss. 

When we see people struggling under their burdens or those of others, we can serve as the gentle alarm that tells them they are important and need to take care of themselves. Low batteries eventually run out. Instead of ignoring the repeated dinging, let’s help ourselves and others by heeding the warning signs.